PolitiPorn™

By Duke, PolitiPorn Int’l Bureau Chief

Israel

Israelis poured into the streets of Jerusalem on Thursday drunk with rage after the slaughter of eight men and boys in a Jewish seminary. After first calling the attack “heroic” the democratically elected Hamas then claimed responsibility, retracted the claim and then retracted the retraction. Of course our television screens were once again flooded with images of bestial demons celebrating the massacre in Gaza. No matter how terribly these people are treated they can still show us just how fucked up things would be for Israel if we didn’t give them military aid.Gaza is one thing that we can never reconcile with the Islamic world. We can argue all we want about what could possibly turn a man into a shameless lunatic, but the issue presupposes the madness of so many Gaza Strippers. They can’t handle democracy. They can’t handle statehood. The Israelis have committed atrocities, but at least they don’t throw a fucking parade when it happens. So much of Islamic fury is cast our way for arming Israel, but our hands are tied; it’s been demonstrated that without our help they would be wiped off the face of the planet.Here is how the Iranian press reported it. (Here) 

Iraq

Muqtada al-Sadr revealed on Friday that his influence had waned over former loyalists. Before the red staters start getting excited about this they should try and remember this is the same guy that extended a crucial six month ceasefire a couple weeks back.  I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer, but I don’t trust this bullshit. It seems like a way to cover his ass when he decides to break the ceasefire without breaking the ceasefire. 

Latin America

Hugo Chavez, distraught that something more important than his little temper tantrum could possibly be happening in Ohio, finally gave up his beef with Colombia. I despise this foul little tyrant. Did you know that his big kool-aid shirts are made from alpaca fur? Sounds like someone has been watching too much late night television. In Hugo’s defense it turned out that the evidence linking him to FARC was bullshit. He’s still a dickclown. In related news a man presumed to have conspired to sell millions of dollars worth of weapons to FARC was arrested this week in Thailand. While they are carting his ass in front of every camera in the country can we go ahead and take him off their hands? This guy had the means to air-drop a hundred surface-to-air missiles in the Colombian jungle for Christsakes. 

Pakistan

Opposition parties agreed yesterday to reinstate the judges that Musharraf shit-canned during emergency rule. This should be the end of Musharraf because the whole point of judicial purge was to replace the previous judiciary with new judges that would validate his presidency. With the old judges back his goose should be cooked, but it never happens like that in Pakistan. Nothing really matters in Pakistani politics until someone actually makes a move against Musharraf.  

Also Ran

For some reason Russia and Iran pretty much took the week off, but an interesting thing happened in Georgia (the country) when the region of Abkhazia declared itself independent on Friday. Buy a fucking vowel kids. You can’t just get drunk, form a parliament and pick a ridiculous name for yourself. You need flags and soldiers and I don’t know, I guess a bird. Russia, by the way, supports Abkhazian(?) autonomy, just ‘cause.