Welcome to a new segment of PolitiPorn that we will TRY to keep-up through-out the general election. We like to call this new section “Ass-Hat Friday”. The premise being this, that we will identify the political Ass-Hat of the week and give a telling of their Ass-Hat ways. We will try to be as fair and unbiased as possible, but let’s be honest here, most Republicans are Ass-Hats (just kidding). Actually Ass-Hattedness knows no sense of party loyalty and has claimed victims on both sides of the aisle. Be warned Liberal, Conservative, Gay, Straight, Bi-Sexual, Trans-gender, Communist, Libertarian, or Apathetic Ass-Hats of the world, we will expose you, so step lightly. Please feel free to email your own nominees for weekly Ass-Hat awards to the PolitiPorn Ass-Hat Nominating Committee at politiporn@yahoo.com
Now for our first Ass-Hat of the general election cycle. Drum roll please…Ladies and Gentlemen meet Larry Johnson.
Larry is grade “A” douche my little PolitiPornsters. Here’s the deed that vaulted Larry The Ass-Hat Guy to the top of our list.
Ass-Hat Larry started circulating a rumor on May 26, 2008 by way of his blog No-Quarter. You can see the article here. If you don’t want to patronize this trash, here’s the long and short of it: Larry claims that Michelle Obama gave a 30 minute rant while seated alongside Louis Farrakhan at the Obama’s former church. In the rant, Larry claims that Michelle refers to Iraq & Hurricane Katrina and in reference to both calls George Bush “Whitey!” Oh, wait a minute that wasn’t Larry’s original version. In the original version she generally refers to “Whitey” in a way that it can be taken to mean all white folks.
Larry goes on to PROMISE that the video will be released and is the “October” surprise that has been rumored. But then again, the story does change each time Ass-Hat Larry is confronted with the story.
Each time some other loony Ass-Hat picks up the story and changes it a bit, Larry the Royal Ass-Hat bends the original story to fit it. I guess this a vain attempt to say that it’s somehow corroborated or supported.
Now you might ask yourself, “why is this so dangerous or why should I care?” Here’s why, these rumors of rumors have become fodder for our 24 Hour Cable news channels. You don’t believe me, well check out this segment from Fox and Friends where Honorable Mention Ass-Hat and Hillary supporter Bob Beckel alludes to Johnson’s claims - Here.
These rumor stories also end up being included on TV shows with no verification or rebuttal. They’re often cited as fact by the Rush Limbaugh’s, Bill O’Reilly’s and Ann H. Coulter’s of the world. After that, some poor slob ends up thinking that it’s irrefutable fact. Just ask a FOX viewer if we found any Weapons of Mass Desustrion in Iraq and then wait to be astounded by the answer you’ll get.
It’s this type of crap that needs to be taken out of politics. Does anybody recall the push-polling in South Carolina that asked the question “Would you vote for John McCain if he had fathered a black child out of wedlock?” This question was then re-enforced with a paper pamphlet campaign that contained a picture of McCain’s adopted daughter from Bangladesh. Could we have avoided the last 8 years and the War of Error but for this despicable tactic? The candidates don’t deserve this crap. Both are honorable men wanting to serve their country. Frankly speaking, this election is too damn important to allow the Ass-Hats of the world like Larry Johnson to somehow determine the outcome.
Larry Johnson you are a Ass-Hat.
***Let your feelings be known to Larry at larry_johnson@earthlink.net
“In the original version she generally refers to “Whitey” in a way that it can be taken to mean all white folks.”
Yeah, the fact that she said “why’d he” and HE heard “whitey” just confirms who the real racist is.
Politipornsters - with every award must come an acceptence speech, apparently the award of “Ass-Hat” is no exception. The envelope has been opened, the name has been read and now making his way to the podium to don the Ass-Hat, none other than Mr. Larry Johnson….
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From: Larry Johnson
Dear Learned Hand,
I am touched and honored by your award. Or, I guess, non-award. The least you could do is craft a chapeau modeled after your derriere. I guess the economic hard times must be hitting you because you are using your valuable time to recognize me. My friends call me Mr. Cellophane, so I will now count you as a friend. Having been attacked three times previously by the Wall Street Journal because I had the audacity to challenge the Bush Administration on Iraq and for cooking the intelligence, I am accustomed to this kind of appreciation. So I accept it in the spirit it is given.
Best
Larry Johnson
PS, Does one become a “Learned Hand” because of extensive experience masturbating?
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Mr. Johnson - your post script is the joke of every 1st Year Law Student…It still tickles me though.
One more thing, what the hell is “Mr. Cellophane” and how did you get that nickname? Is that some new whacked out fetish we haven’t heard of yet? Please by all means expand on that.
Hey, if the hat fits…
Poor Mr. Asshat, err, Johnson. I can so hear him bleeting in anger halfway round the world! He’s just applying the tried and true FoxNews-eqsue protocol of lying. I like your summary of his “story” but I think I’ll check it out for myself. What’s his web address again: IDistortYouDecide.com??
***Ass-Hat Larry Update***
Larry’s back. Here’s the background this time. After posting Larry’s acceptance speech above, I emailed Larry to thank him for the spirit in which he took be name the PolitiPorn Ass-Hat of the week.
After that I asked Larry when we might see this supposed “Whitey” video or when he’d release it.
Larry’s response follows:
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You willing to bet $1000 on your claim that I posted a statement that I had the tape and would release it? C’mon tough guy. Put your money where your mouth is. Of course, once you take time to actually read what I wrote, at no time have I said I have the tape. Nor do I know where the tape is. What I have said consistently is that folks working to elect McCain have the tape and are showing it to fat cats to raise money. So please try, I know this is a stretch, to get your head into the game and deal with actual facts as opposed to your fantastical ravings.
LJ
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@Larry - sorry Bro, I’m paying off law school loans and with the current state of the economy this kid isn’t betting anything above a ten spot at best! (Although, I’ve got some side action on Big Brown tomorrow - I’m hoping that horse pulls threw for me!).
In all fairness fellow PolitiPornsters, the Ass-Hat is right, he never said he was in possession of the tape but that he knows five people who’ve seen it. That detail aside, the Ass-Hat still fits Larry (”Mr. Cellophane”).
No, Larry came up with this fiction leading into the June 3 primaries. Oh, did I mention that Larry C. Johnson is a rabid Hillary supporter? (C stands for, you guessed it, “Cellophane”)
For those of you who don’t know Larry C. Johnson, codename “Mr. Cellophane”, it’s important to point out that he has an impressive intel background. In fact, Mr. Johnson was a former State Department counterterrorism specialist.
Depite that pedigree, Mr. Johnson once wrote in an op-ed piece for the New York Times the following:
“terrorism is not the biggest security challenge confronting the United States, and it should not be portrayed that way.”
Sounds like a reasonable statement and the entire article can be accessed here:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A02EEDF1138F933A25754C0A9679C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1
You’ll note that the date the article was published is July 10, 2001. The man isn’t Nostrodamus people, he’s merely an Ass-Hat.
Larry, my heads in the game, I’m fired up, ready to go. Oh, don’t wear the Ass-Hat while driving, it has a tendency to cut down on your peripheral vision.
LOVE it! I say Barack Obama gets the ass hat…ok I am kidding. Come on you have to give it to the democratic party in Minnesota for endorsing the perv tax evader Al Franken! I am no Jack ass fan but this entire state of jack ass’s deserve the hat! funny as hell!
sorry the hotspatulababe was me Nikki, it does sound good and porno though doesn’t it…:)N
I know it’s a real long shot here but I would like to make a recommendation for the “ASS-HAT” award.
My nominee is….. Senator Barak Obama. Here’s why.
While visiting Africa in 2006 Senator Obama was campaigning for Lou Raila Odinga (opposition leader in Kenya, who also signed the ‘Sharia pact’ with Muslims). Senator Obama has failed to provide the transcripts for these speaches…. interesting.
I might add, that I have no idea if any of this is true but I saw it on the net so it must be.
You guys can track it down, or not. Just seems interesting.
Try posting on his site and asking legitimate questions. They’ll ban you for disagreeing (the same echo-chamber as LGF, really).
But more disturbing, they’ll post your personal information if they can get it and then they’ll ban you for asking why they did so; the funny part was that the banning came from asking them about that in the comments section of the post where they said posting personal information about people was against site rules.