PolitiPorn™

Bush is gone and now I can finally say that I am once again an Independent. Obama has made history in becoming the first US president to follow the dumbest man in the world, and I hear he’s black. I hope he does a great job for our country. I hope he gives back many of my rights as an American, restores our international credibility and leads us through a terrible economic time while laying the foundations for a more prosperous America. His campaign brought people together around the world and made them optimistic about America, he brought the next generation into the political arena and got 9.5 million more votes than McCain, the highest raw popular vote margin ever.

As strange as it may seem, Joe “Crazy Tits” Biden couldn’t be a better man for the job as Vice President. I didn’t want to bring this up at the time, but the red-staters could have done a little more with his middle name, Robinette, instead of going after the obvious.

Obama can represent the government to the American people and the World with a sincere eloquence that few in history have been able to replicate, recognized some decent talent for important advisory positions, and make decisions based on reality, cooperation and good council. At the same time, Joe Biden is as smart as we’ve got in geopolitics, he sat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee for a long time and left as the Chairman, he has played the game in the Senate longer than anyone and is known to be ‘bi-partisany.’ He’s also a scrapper, last month he walked out on Karzai during a meeting when the latter tried to feed him the same bullshit that has worked for the past couple of years.

Christ only knows what McCain and Palin would have done with the office, besides suspending the role of the executive branch due to the economic crisis.

McCain would probably be bitching about how the democrats won’t let him fix the problems of the American people, and Palin would be either tucked away in some White House closet or making a ‘Bush’ of herself trying to talk to the media and/or world leaders. They ran a campaign without style or substance, tried to divide our country and had way too many stupid sound bites to win anyway. McCain happens to be a hell of a lot funnier than Obama, but we had heard enough jokes.

Bush left Obama with huge challenges, but he will do his best to fix this country. He’s got a couple of things working for him:

1.      It’s unpatriotic to attack the President during a war.

Fortunately it was the right wing that championed this concept, so he won’t have to worry about too much dissent. The democrats are the American hating traitors. Now we have a minority party that will treat the President with the respect and honor he deserves.

2.      The Vice President can tell someone to ‘fuck off’ and shoot people in the face.

With Joe Biden who knows.

3.      Here’s the Big One: We don’t expect much from the President.

Staff subpoenas, Geneva Convention, US Constitution, grammar? Five words big man: Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Publically state that you don’t care where Bin Laden is? Just deny you said it… on air… with millions of Americans watching.

Lose a city while you’re on vacation? We’ve got a lot of cities, cities filled to brim with WHITE FOLKS! (just trust me).

Start a useless war that killed more than 4,200 of the bravest and most patriotic sector of the American population; those who were most eager to protect us from harm? Will the war cost us $3 Trillion as our economy implodes? Will you be forced to publicly and explicitly retract hundreds of official statements by your administration as to the stated necessity of said war? Maybe you get yourself a ranch somewhere more than 1,300 miles away from all of your failures, do a little yard work, think up clever nicknames. I’ve heard that folks like to call Rahm Emanuel “Rahmbo”, that would be good start on the nicknames.  Take a little ‘me’ time.

Let’s say a senior member of your political team flirts with treason and conspires to reveal the classified identity of a CIA operative. Not a big deal buddy. Someone get convicted? Who really decides what an appropriate punishment is anyway?

If in the meantime you embarrass the United States at home and abroad in ways that made Abbot and Costello look like marine biologists on so many more occasions than one can recall without losing his mind, get busted for more lies than a six year old with behavioral issues and get caught on tape reading a fucking book about goats to a group of children after being told by your Chief of Staff that “America is under attack” just be cool. Remember what Samuel L. Jackson shouted to Tim Roth in Pulp Fiction? He said “Tell that bitch to be cool.” So be cool Honeybunny.

It’s not like you were seen in public without an America Flag Lapel Pin? Wait… oh shit. Try to make that one up to us.

Obama has some very small shoes to fill and a long way to walk in them. The failure of George Bush goes much deeper than I have hinted at and Obama is taking the wheel at a terrible moment in American history, but he is a remarkable man and might actually be good enough to save us.

While I certainly don’t pretend to speak for all of my fellow contributors on Politiporn; this is where my Obama love fest ends. I intend to treat him with the same scrutiny as I did his predecessor. Of course there will be some who still claim that I am being unfair in my treatment, but I beg the reader to recall some immortal words from our former President…

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

It would be difficult to sustain the same level of irreverence for Flava Flav if he had won the election, but don’t you worry ditto-heads, Obama will fail, again and again and again; hopefully his successes will overshadow his failures.